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1989-12-31
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<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
<> <>
<> UNOFFICIAL SCRIPT TO RED DWARF SEASON 6, EPISODE 1 <>
<> <>
<> BY MARTIN CUBITT <>
<> <>
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Rimmer entered the medical room. As he did, Cat and Kryten suddenly stopped
whatever the smeg they had been talking about.
"Where's Lister?", demanded Rimmer looking directly at Cat.
"He's inside dimwit.", replied Cat abruptly.
"Inside what?", asked Rimmer as he screwed up his face.
"He's inside, sir.", replied Kryten. "Inside the you-know-what", he added.
"Look.", said Rimmer with an enormous frown developing on his forehead,
making the little 'H' move around, "I haven't the slightest smegging idea what
you are wittering on about."
Kryten looked at Cat and Cat looked at Kryten. This was not going to be
easy. Do they protect Lister? After all, if Rimmer found the truth he would
have enough ammunition to fire at Lister for the rest of their unfortunate
time together. No, they had to tell him in a not telling him sort of way.
"Erm... Erm...", said the cat nervously."Erm... He's... um... He's..."
"Lister is inside prison sir.", said Krtyen hurriedly.
Rimmers face did not move. Then a look of shock appeared. Then surprise.
Finally a wry smile.
"Oh," moaned Kryten, "I really must learn how to override my truth chip."
Cat cut in with a sarcastic tone, "Nice one buddy."
It was a full minute and thirty four seconds that Rimmer stood there with a
great big grin dominating his pale face. "So", said Rimmer with a self-
satisfied ring to his voice, "Little Listy poohs is inside prison, eh?". He
continued. "In jail, J-A-I-L. The slammer. The lockup.", Rimmer paused as he
frantically tried to think up one more, just one more, word to underline where
Lister was. Then it came to him. He smirked as he congratulated himself. "Land
of the bum bandits where little Lister will be welcomed like a freshly picked
peach. Ah yes, by the time that lot have finished with him he'll be so sore
that even standing up will be too painful." Rimmer continued to grin.
Rimmer waited for Cat and Krtyen to laugh - or at least raise a smile.
Waiting in vane Rimmer put it down to the fact they obviously had not reached
his high level of humour. Rimmer gave up waiting.
"So, what exactly did Lister do?", asked Rimmer still smiling. Before the
others could even attempt an answer Rimmer continued. "Was he caught eating
one of his revolting Vindaloos on a Sunday before 8am?". "Perhaps the court of
Human Rights have finally caught up with his dirty sock basket?". "Or maybe
the mice complained about the toe nail clippings?". The others were still
silent. "I've got it! He was caught strapped half naked to a lamp post with a
traffic cone on his head. He had drunk six cans of lager and was singing
Yankee Doodle Dandy." Rimmers voice faded as it reached 'Dandy'. Cat and
Kryten both had very stern looks on their faces. This was serious and Rimmer
didn't like it one little bit.
In the few moments that passed, where the silence was deafening by its
immensity, Rimmer eyed Cat and Krtyen, searching for clues. The silence was
soon broken when Holly popped up on her screen. "Oi you lot!", she blasted,
"Have you heard? Lister's gone down for rape."
Then there was silence. This was even worse than before. The was the sort of
silence that you would get the second before the bomb dropping. Nobody moved.
Least of all Rimmer, who's face went rigid. Holly waited impatiently for a
hole to appear so she could make an emergency exit. But the only gaping hole
around here was the one left by Listers absence.
Cat, being Cat, broke the silence - two minutes on. "Hey," he shrieked, "I
haven't got time to stand around with a pair of Dunlop plimsoles and a
computerised freak show." He continued, "This is quality grooming time. I'm
outta here." With that Cat made a swift escape.
Fighting his 'keep quiet and act dumb' chip Krtyen commented, "It should be
pointed out that Lister has not yet been found guilty." He paused. "Directive
155 clearly states that any crew member charged with an offence, no matter how
serious, is innocent until proven guilty."
Rimmer butted in, "Yes, but Rimmer directive 213 states just as clearly -
There's no smoke without fire, Lister is a total slime ball and perverted
little oik."
Holly added her usual intellectual thoughts, "Well I think everything should
be brought into proportion here. I mean, it's not as if he's killed anybody is
it? It's not really that serious."
Rimmer turned to look at Holly's screen. His face full of shock he said
"What? You're saying that Lister sticking his dirty little dooberry up some
unsuspecting innocent virgin can be considered normal? You're as sick as he
is!". Rimmer takes on the voice of a young female, "Oh yes, it is okay to rape
me just as long as you don't murder me as well."
Holly calmly quipped, "Rimmer, sometimes you're a total and utter smeghead."
Kryten, shaking his head, leaves the room. With that Holly vanishes from her
screen leaving Rimmer, not for the first time in his life, on his own. Raising
his eyebrows Rimmer makes his way to the door of the medical room. Looking
back at the room he frowns, then exits.
<> <> <> <> <>
Martin would like me (James) to make it clear that he honestly hopes that
Craig Charles (the person who plays Lister in Red Dwarf) is innocent of the
rape charge recently brought against him.